Hello everyone and Happy New Year!
I know it’s been a while.
In fact it’s been a whole year since my last sit-down comedy non-show.
But I’ve been busy.
With work, with parenting a teenager, and with getting old.
You know how, when you’re younger, getting old is just a thought at the back of your head if it’s there at all?
And then you hit 45 and your body tells you “We’re changing our terms and conditions. Accept all to continue.”
Now, what does this have to do with energy?
Well, everything. Literally. In the literal sense of the word literally, not the way Gen Z uses it.
We need energy to exist, to function and, ultimately, to contribute to society.
Humans are social animals, we live in groups and we contribute to our group to make it a better group.
For some people, this means protesting against carbon emissions and Big Oil.
Some get to be such massive contributors to society they become governors and sign laws to fine oil companies billions for damages to the climate.
Because the climate has become a piece of furniture now.
All this requires energy.
Before I started getting old, I used to draw my energy for the day by drinking a cup of tea.
After I started getting old, I had to switch to coffee.
Tea wasn’t cutting it any more. My body needed a stronger kick in the brain to get to work.
I know, caffeine is a bad habit.
I’ve tried replacing it, I have.
I tried hot lemon juice with a dash of honey.
It didn’t go well.
What happened was I almost broke a leg going up the stairs.
I wasn’t running, I wasn’t going fast or anything.
But I tripped on my own foot and hit my shin on the edge of a step.
So I concluded that caffeine’s necessary for my balance.
Or so I thought until the other morning when I went to let the cat out of the bedroom.
My cat’s kind of like a dog – he does his business outside regardless of weather.
But that morning, I found him at the window, glaring at something.
The something turned out to be two actual dogs in the garden.
I would like to repeat that just to give you a clearer idea of just how unacceptable that sight was.
There were two actual dogs in our garden.
Under the apricot tree.
On the thick carpet of apricot leaves we lovingly don’t bother collecting and let rot during the winter and use as compost.
They were big dogs. Black dogs. Rottweiler-shaped dogs.
And one of these dogs was doing its business.
In. My. Garden.
It was treating the garden as its toilet.
Which it is not. It’s the cat’s toilet.
Now, first of all, I have a fear of dogs, ever since a mini pincher bit me when I was about five,
Second of all, I hadn’t had my coffee.
I shouldn’t have been able to move very well.
I shouldn’t have been able to move at all – fear of dogs and all that.
But, I swear, I actually flew down the stairs and out of the house.
I could feel my back sprout wings.
Out of the house in under five seconds, grabbed the broom as the witch that I am, and started yelling at the dogs and waving the broom.
I totally forgot I was afraid of dogs, especially big, Rottweiler-shaped dogs.
I totally forgot my balance was compromised before my morning dose of caffeine.
I was a broom-wielding superhero.
These dogs turned out to be quite nice, to be honest.
They weren’t impressed by the broom but they did leave. Reluctantly.
With a “Why are you yelling? What have I done?” look in their adorable little eyes.
Well, you crapped in a garden that’s not yours.
One of them even wagged its tail at me, which was sweet.
And then I realised there was something familiar about that look the dogs gave me before they left.
It was a look often produced in a certain situation.
Strangers invade valuable space used for specific, often productive purposes and crap all over it.
When you try to remove them, they wag their tails and give you a look that says “Why are you ungluing my hand from the street? What have I done?”
Yep, I got a visit from the canine family equivalent of climate activists.
It was a great learning experience.
I learned I could fly.
Under limited conditions, yes, but flying’s flying. I’ll take the limited conditions.
I learned that I was no longer afraid of dogs, even big dogs.
I also learned I didn’t need caffeine to be a productive member of society.
Because anger and incredulity can do the same job that coffee does, and faster.
And they’re also greener.
You don’t need to deforest land to get angry.
You don’t need to use petroleum products to get angry.
All you need are some strangers demanding that you give up petroleum products, and then using petroleum products to glue themselves to a petroleum product.
That’ll do it nine times out of ten.
For the tenth time, a dog crapping in my garden is all I need.
Thank you.
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